I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
