Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
