Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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