I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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