Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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