I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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