absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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