Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
