I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
