i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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