I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
