i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
