his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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