we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
