Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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