But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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