maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
