I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
