the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
