I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
