You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
