his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
