I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
