It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
