Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
