Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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