That's intense
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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