her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
