White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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