he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
