Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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