they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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