life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
