He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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