Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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