Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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