I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
