Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Enjoy the penises
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
