My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
