A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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