my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
