You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
