I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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