Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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