god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
