He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So much rum. So many feels.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
