I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
