I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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