What a fucking waste of an outfit
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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