I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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